fucked up. :)

To N.

You left. Again. And I did let you go. I keep trying to be the girl you always wanted. Who would tell you everything you wanna know, who would do anything you want me to, who would change for you, who would be someone perfect so you could tell everyone that you made the right choice. I never wanted to be perfect, I never wanted to be a better person. I used to love the old me, I was contented. But then, I did everything you want, gave you everything and yet I was never enough. You kept comparing me to your past relationships, that she was better than me, that she did this and that. But I never wanted to be like her. She left you without a word, she always lied to you, she always made you feel insignificant. Yet I always treated you as my life, I always thought about you in every decision I made and you say she’s better than I am? How come? Does lying and leaving mean loving to you? If that’s the case, I’d never wanna be like her. I never asked you for anything extravagant, I only wanted to be accepted as who I am.

You already left like a million times already and you kept coming back to me, but this time I’m not gonna have you back. I’m done trying to prove to you that I’m way better than her, I’m done trying to be perfect, I’m done with you. You promised me everything, but then you did nothing. I guess I was just a promise you couldn’t keep. That’s fine. We already shared a year and three months together and I’m thankful to you. You made me stronger. I might be in pieces right now, but I’ll be okay.

Thank you for everything you did for me, all the times we spent together. I guess you’re not the one that would fight to be with me. I wish for your happiness and success in life. i’ll surely miss you. Take good care of yourself and I freaking love you like hell. God Bless! :)

Here’s to all those girls who used to be his number one.

The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check your cell phone the next morning and be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, “I only want to be your friend”, one day, then listened to him say that he loves and misses you, and the next when he doesn’t want to be anything at all. Here’s to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change.

We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, got crap from our parents, and even snuck around to see him even for a while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us.

Here’s to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here’s for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn’t possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn’t treat us the way we should be treated.

Here’s for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest everything, only to hear him say that he couldn’t see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn’t believe that he could do this to us again.

This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn’t bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder “what if”. This is for the girls that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex girlfriend who cheated on him, and cried during the entire conversation. The ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn’t mean it. This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with.

This is for us girls, who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, and get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that “You’re just not the one for me.” or maybe, “things were going too fast, I’m just not ready.”

Here’s to the girls who couldn’t cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn’t bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an “I told you so.” The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, their beds, and their dreams again.

We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us when ever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that. Here’s for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave one thought about them. Here’s for the time that he took to waste, breaking your heart … again.

This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. Here’s for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better.
This is for those confusing days, when you miss him,and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist.

Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass,sometimes it’s better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt all over again.
Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When your song comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off.
When he tries coming to your house, don’t answer the door.

Think of all the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the HELL he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn’t him, and realized that once again, he hadn’t called when he said he was going to.

One day, you’ll find a guy who’s worth all the tears, but he won’t make you cry.You may think that you’ll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will.
It’s gonna hurt like hell, and it’s going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.

I went out with someone kanina. It felt so nice to be kilig again, Being taken cared by someone, the sweetness, the awkward moments, the pauses between the talks, the laughs, the anxiety of being with someone new. I was so happy. So loved.

And yet, at the back of my mind, I wish it was you I was with.

Nung nakita ko GFng EX ko , Una kong tinignan yung paa. CHECK ! Ang katawan. CHECK ! Ang Porma. CHECK ! Ang Mukha. S H R E K !

HAHA.

Love someone not because they give you what you need. Instead, love them because they give you feelings that you never thought you needed.

Indeed. I should have told him this so he’d realize my worth before I was gone.

I wish happiness lasted longer than it did. I hate wanting what I already had. I hate resenting what I thought I really wanted. I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there. :)

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